Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
