Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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