Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
