Need sex. Gaining weight.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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