she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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