and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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