and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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