I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
