the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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