In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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