hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
