You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
