I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
So many bounce houses so little time
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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