Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
