I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
