How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
