So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
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I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
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In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
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