please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
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i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
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The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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