yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
