Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
