so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
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Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
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I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."