Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name