yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
