what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I have tasted many bathrooms
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
