giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
