i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize