I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
