im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
