did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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