i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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