My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
