You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
