Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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