i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
What a dumb baby whore.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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