Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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