Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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