I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
