I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
