I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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