I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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