apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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