So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
