Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
