She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
