How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Randomize
