You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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