I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
