I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
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I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
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premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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