I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
