i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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