If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
