I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
