Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
