My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
