Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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