Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I cut my penus on the lid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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