What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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