you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
