I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
